Thursday, 22 March 2012

So Ya Want to Fall in Love ...

      It’s springtime. The birds are doing it. The bees are doing it. You’re not doing it.

      Chances are that you want to though and, if you’re over 22 or so, you’d like it to be meaningful. OK. Who am I kidding? If you are over 50 or so you want it to be meaningful. How are you going to do that?

     Up until recently (before that half century mark) all it took was a fifty dollar or so bar tab and last call to come around. The herd might have been culled but those two AM runway models were still hanging around and their chances got better as yours did. And how meaningful did those turn out to be ten or so hours later?

     Problem is that in that scenario it’s probably not even possible for you to spell ‘meaningful’ let alone not twist the definition a little. Nowadays you actually care about that.

     You might as well face up to the fact that, if you are looking for a kindred soul, the bar is not the best place to do it. Among those still upright, sitting or standing, the chances of you finding a heart throb are a crap shoot. The dice are loaded against you.

     If you came looking for a bar-hopping buddyette you can’t be sure that the girl you are looking at is one. She could be a people watcher or working on her master’s degree in aberrant behavior. Chances are she’s not either of those but even if you get lucky, and plan to get luckier, there has to be more to life than meeting someone who can match you drink for drink. So you look elsewhere.

      Going to church seemed like a good idea. Still how can you know that pretty lady down the pew is not there for her weekly repentance for closing another bar the night before? Maybe she is a people watcher or working on her master’s degree on hypocrisy. Chances are she is not either of those but if you talk to her after the service how will you know if SHE means what she says?

     The grocery store is another place to shop for a love mate. Everybody who goes in there wants to be in love. Some actually are, but the odds are in your favor betting against the house on that one. How do know she’s not actually there to pick up groceries. She could be a people watcher or maybe she’s working on her master’s degree in marketing or lame pick-up lines.

      You really need to think twice before you ask her if she’d like some help with those melons or offer to show her which is the best meat. You’re no longer willing to settle for less than love, remember?

     Reality provides enough evidence that all of the traditional mate hunting tricks fall short of being anywhere near successful. Statistics, even if you’re not working on your master’s in that subject, will tell you that less than fifty percent of the “until death doth us part” commitments ever last that long, even with matricide pushing the numbers up a little. The happily ever after crowd might not fill a good sized football stadium.

     Still, you insist on beating the odds. You might try the bowling alley, the casino, or the city park. Even if you go for the high rollers in the first two or one of those without a stolen shopping cart in the latter the odds are not that good. There are several billion people on earth and maybe several thousand that you could happily spend the rest of your life with. Doing the math, which I can’t because I slept through that class, the odds must be hundreds of thousands to one against you coming up on the plus side. You wouldn’t bet your life on that basis but every day there are people betting the rest of their lives that they can pick a winner. The house giggles.

      The house can be beat though. There is a way to turn the odds in your favor. You might even hit the jackpot. I can tell you exactly how to do it but, if I did so now, would you be back to read my next blog? More likely you would be spending time getting to know your soul mate.

      In interest of making this world a better place, perhaps inching it closer to world peace, I’ll share the secret with you in my next blog, getting at least one more massive audience, before I toss it all away. Of course that won’t bother me much because I have already collected on my promise.

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