I’m back. I’d apologize but it really wasn’t my fault I was gone so long. I was abducted by aliens. The experience was out of this world. Before I get back to the search for the root of all disease which I may have found on the trip, I’ll give you a quick rundown in case I die before I can write a book or two about it, or anything else.
While I was busy rummaging around in my wife’s meds looking for something to ease the pain of my paper cut I set aside a few pills that looked pretty. It was shortly after I took those the aliens arrived. The paper cut was then the least of my problems.
A whole herd of little gray-greene creatures with oversized heads like I used to draw in art class showed up about the time I blacked out. The last thing I remember that made sense was the display on my bedside clock reading 11:14 PM. The next time I looked it displayed 11:15 PM but I’m pretty sure it was not the same day because all of a sudden I was very hungry even after the aliens took me to dinner.
Not that they went to any great expense to do it. As I recall I was at a greasy spoon joint in the worst part of rural Maine which most people avoid. The place served grits as a side for all meals and rather than salt and pepper shakers they had weird looking jars with really big holes in the lids to serve cilantro and anise seed. It was food hell with Moxie being the only thing to wash it down with. The only desserts they had left were a couple large slices of strawberry-rhubarb pie. Reading back, I can see why I am still so hungry.
Most of the details from my trip with them are kind of foggy like algebra class was only worse. I remember falling asleep sort of … and then waking up with cat hair all over me. I’m glad I wasn’t awake for whatever they did. This morning I woke up with a mole on my butt that I’d never seen before. I went to examine it more closely when I finished my shower but it was gone.
My biggest worry is that they might have tagged me for follow up examinations or, even worse, to see where I go. The first place they are going to see is the VA emergency room where I am going to ask them to scan me to see if the aliens really did insert tracking devices. They probably won’t keep me there very long.
Tonight and all the nights in the future I am going to start locking my doors. I’d close the windows too but I’m not going to let fear of aliens keep me from enjoying the fresh Maine breezes this winter. That would be crazy.
I hate to leave you abruptly but if I am going to get there before the emergency room closes I have to get going before the last saucer takes off.