Sunday, 26 February 2012

Pornographic Origami

It started out innocently. A teacher coaxed us “Will you PLEASE try to learn to fold a business letter properly?”. After a few practice attempts I could hold my own with the best of the class. I now suspect that particular English teacher was, even at the time, a high level paper pusher. It’s always the liberal arts ones, isn’t it?

Folks, paper folding is not the innocent victimless crime many think it is. It starts out with gateways like paper dolls and doilies but eventually entraps the victim as it did the young lass pictured below.

Following simple experimenting, like the horrible one my English teacher encouraged or folding tests in half vertically before turning them in, the next step is usually snow. We begin with a few simple cuts and get more and more daring as we advance in making the paper flakes. Doilies are generally next, progressing to more and more complex ‘designer’ varieties.

Paper dolls can be equally enticing. A simple attempt like this …

can soon advance to this …

or even worse.

Too many cannot stop at this level. They become addicted to pornographic origami. Hand fashioning the simple bird becomes a drive to fold a complex cock.

As simply as this horrible thing starts out it can run into real money.

The impact on the United States’ (USA) gross national product (GNP) last year was estimated to be hundreds of dollars in lost man-hours. Most of the associated injuries, many of them paper cuts, are suspected to have gone unreported and may have contributed another thousand dollars or so the true impact.

The only solution is for us all to remain on guard. Imagine, if you dare, your child is in his or her room with the door closed. Perhaps a close friend is in there. Is this one of those who, a product of poor parental supervision, might suggest something as outrageous as making one of these?

If so, how will you know? How will you curtail it before it gets out of hand? I suggest frequently checking you child’s waste paper basket for irregularly shaped tiny paper cuttings. They may even try to sneak these into those in your own receptacle where they will blend in. Always know what color paper you have in your stash and this will be harder for them to do. Their material inevitably comes from a different source than yours does. That brings to mind that you need not admit to ever having done these things yourself. If you are still doing it, don’t be silly enough to think it is OK for them to see you. Children will follow bad examples as easily as they will good ones.

Once they have advanced to simple, or even pornographic, origami this method of detection will no longer be possible. As you know, the entire uncut sheet is consumed in that practice. They may get careless and leave some of their stuff on their dressers or shelves. Perhaps you will even walk into their bedroom and discover boldly displayed mobiles. The most frightrning scenario is that you actually catch them in the act.

When this happens the best policy is to toss their room and confiscate any contraband paper. If you do not feel confident to confront them with the evidence, at least hide it with yours. They are likely to notice that you have ‘invaded their privacy’ and confront you. This is the opportunity to remind them that they are living under your roof, eating the food you bust your butt to be able to buy for them, and if they don’t like it they can get the hell out of the house.

Failure to do this may result in an unrecoverable child and lost friendship. You must answer these cries for help or you will have enabled another dysfunctional person to prey upon society. I was one of those, unable to control myself. For years I snuck around, growing progressively more proficient. I eventually found myself forced to testify before the congressional committee investigating pornographic paper folding.

I am not proud of some of the things I have done (some of them I curiously am) but I have, with the help of organizations such as PA, come a long way. I have not had a paper cut for over six months. Each day I go without one is another step forward, though I will always remain one fold from return to shame. I find myself willing to stand and deliver for the cause of stamping out this horrible disease. I urge you to join me.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Concise History of the World Chapter 5

Long long ago, even before once upon a time, something horrible happened

Adam and Eve were flouncing around the Garden of Eden. Adam was off watering a tree or something else nasty. Eve waited by the one tree God had instructed them never to eat the fruit thereof. She got an urge, which she later tried to blame on a snake. Folks, snakes don’t talk. She picked the thereof and proceeded to chew on its flesh.

When Adam returned she convinced him to partake likewise or face the possibility that he wasn’t going to partake of something else for a while either. He folded like a camping chair. They spent the rest of the afternoon meal repeating the atrocity, eschewing the saber tooth tiger, the banana, and the hamster which were also featured on the menu.

Then it happened.

God showed up while Adam was off in the woods wiping. He said something like “Where the hell are you Adam, we’ve got a meeting scheduled and happy hour is almost over.”

Adam came out of the forest carrying a fig leaf that was still unused which didn’t please God. He wasn’t particularly disturbed by that except for where Adam was holding it. He noticed Eve doing the same thing. “What the hell have you done now?” he roared as only gods can roar.

Adam meekly but confidently replied “I think … “

God needed to hear no more than the first two words. He knew they had raided the forbidden larder. The world was headed south in a hand basket. So it has continued since. The words “I think” have preceded every bad decision ever made and will continue to do so for eternity.

No sadder words than ‘I think’ have ever been heard by the dodo, the passenger pigeon, or the cat. I realize that cats are not extinct but ‘I think’ they should be. No more ominous words have been applied to mankind than those two in reference to man bags, croc’s and hairdryers for men. Even more glaringly awful is when they are, induced by alcohol, included in any sentence with the words referring to tattoos and body piercing.

But worst of all, they have grown like a malignant cancer into the monster ‘Philosophy’. This, misidentified as a science, has cast the darkest possible shadow over all of life. Aside from starvation, more people and real estate have been obliterated by this than anything else ever devised. That includes black powder, ptomaine salad, and toothpaste.

There is no record of who the first philosopher was. It may have been Adam. Thankfully, he is dead, but it would be nice to have his bones to kick around a bit. Unfortunately he was not one of a kind. Rumor has it, because rumor was the only thing available at the time, that there were philosophers available before there was recorded history. That’s probably a rumor you can believe.

High on the list of evil philosophies was that God put across the land all manner of animals for the purpose that man could hunt, kill, eat, and, in one manner or another mount them. While that is not in itself a bad concept it played poorly into the happenstance that for every philosophy there is an anti-philosophy. This time it resulted in vegetarianism, demonstrated most vulgarly in the addition of cilantro into food.

Even with having been exposed to just these two philosophies, you should be aware that they and their ilk should be avoided at all cost. A life with no philosophy is wondrous thing. It is perfection, beauty and unconsciousness combined in unmatchable achievement. It is to die for.

How the can you avoid them?

The simplest way to identify them in the wild is to always be looking for the words ‘I think’. Follow those tracks and you will inevitably find your quarry. If you cannot sneak up on it and kill it, stay away. Philosophies have an almost uncanny talent for ensnaring those who hunt for them.

Almost assuredly another sign of their presence is seeing any word ending in ‘ism’. About the only two words I can think of that lie beyond the scope of Philosophy and end in those letters are prism and televism. You don’t often see the latter.

Famous among statements of philosophy is oft printed as “I think. Therefore I am.” I find it hard to understand why the last word is almost always omitted. The word ‘evil’ has been unfairly excluded far too often.

Your homework is to go home and search all of your drawers and closets. Any philosophies you find there or scattered elsewhere in your house should be thrown into a hazardous waste bag and taken to where they can be destroyed.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Concise History of the World Chapter 4

     At the request of one of my students, today’s lesson will be about something not related to sex. We are going to examine the evolution of booze.
     Contrary to popular belief, booze has not been around since the beginning of the world. If you paid attention to the first lesson, you’ll realize that one celled life had a lot to learn before they organized to form plant life or partiers. As you all know, there could be no alcoholic beverages until those happened.
      The first simple drinks were not discovered until several weeks after food storage was discovered. That there were a number of deadly pretenders among the possibilities that spontaneously appeared slowed down robust exploration into the world of drinking new things, even after the first alcohol was tasted. Once there were some survivors among the early scientists willing to try new things, the quest for more and better booze began in earnest.
     Every substance on earth was checked out to see if it ‘worked’. Before long rocks, mastodons, and most tree barks were eliminated and there grew a general consensus that only edible living plants were worth the effort of primary and secondary fermentation, decanting and then bottling. Eventually a few inedible plants like cactus, juniper berries, and rhubarb were added to the list.
     As with most new things discovered this fad brought with it the birth of a new breed of experts. Discussion evolved to argument, which escalated to drunken brawls, some still going on today. That at least separated these new phenomena into several categories.
     Grains were first employed to make either grain alcohol or whiskey. When the brew was contaminated by hops and yeast is was beer. Fruits produced wine and brandy. Unsuccessful experiments produced light beer.
      These categories did not just pop out the air because some wordsmith was bored. They were the result of the next invention which necessarily appeared in the wake of alcohol; drinking parties. Some people didn’t like what were soon to be called wine or those destined to be beers. Others grouped as aficionados of the beverages whiskey drinkers eschewed. Until named categories were separated it was risky going to a drinking party. You just never knew what kind of crap was going to be served. Once the distinction was made it was only risky to attend these parties for other reasons.
       Primary among the dangers was that most male attendees had carry permits for clubs. The woman carried battleaxes, which will be a discussion for the future. Suffice it to say the mere presence of these women created situations where the clubs might be wielded. Club laws had to be enacted for the safety of the general population. Those were the first step toward the world peace we enjoy today.
      Things settled down a bit after that and these parties took on other characteristics, particularly in buildings where the roof was supported by a pole. Men began realizing that, at about eleven or twelve o’clock, they became sexier and the women became almost universally gorgeous. That led to the erroneous connection between drinking and sex. Some still contend that begetting began because of booze.
      That is nonsense. There were people before there was booze. That’s all you have to know. Admittedly life became more enjoyable and success in the sack, or at least getting there, became a bit more universal after the invention of the cocktail. Without alcohol many of these forays would not result in one or both particles lapsing into a temporary coma before consummation. This tells us that alcohol actually limits sexual activity rather than encourages it.
      Another serendipitous result of booze was country music. That relies upon drinking bother for lyrics and toleration. Large audiences listen to words reminding them of every sort of misery, impossible dream, and people they’d like to murder. Booze and perhaps lack of opportunity or physical coordination prevents them from acting on the resultant emotions.
      We have seen then the evolution of booze from an unknown entity to where it is currently, a benefit to mankind. Your homework this week is find an excuse for drinking that you can bring home to your wife that she will embrace.

Monday, 6 February 2012

Concise History of the World Chapter 3

     I’m a bit disappointed, not to mention sore in the cheek, that none of you succeeded in earning extra credit with early return of the homework assignment despite a few sorry attempts. I hope for better in the assignments the rest of you should leave n my desk as you depart today.

    Within about thirty years of man’s appearance on earth a new problem developed. Nobody talked much about it until after the Stone Age when language was developed to allow casual conversation. The problem was youth, or the loss of it. Adults who had been there since the beginning were finding it hard to get up in the morning without a pain or two. They were forgetting things, like whether they had hunted to the south or north the previous day.

    Without language it just remained a dirty little secret. Men were vexed because the women they lived with were not the cute little hairy things they had once been. Women were vexed because the men were trying to remedy that.

     Once it was out in the open an active pursuit of youth began. An early result was that there was rumored to be one particular spring where it seemed there were always a lot of young people. Perhaps it was something in the water. A likely pond that fulfilled the gossip was found but shortly thereafter a nose count revealed more old people than young so the youth went elsewhere. The old followed. The young moved on again. So it went up until at least the days of Ponce de Leon. There may still be whack-o’s on that fools errand.

     When water seemed not to be the solution, other things were tried. Booze helped some. While its effect didn’t last all that long it seemed to work in the hours closely following midnight. In the end it had little effect but to increase the number of one armed men.

     Poultices were conjured. Sometimes they seemed to work though little more than suspicious testimony was available to support one over another. Many worked best at night before interior lighting was discovered. Unhappily other attempts were wasted when men walked into the cave while the poultice was still in place. The sounds of gasps and running feet are not romantic music.

     The cosmetic industry stepped into the breach, nudging aside the circus clown union. Women began putting things on        me are already questioning e in the chin, most gave up hope that is would work. Only the surgeons benefitted tiontheir faces and lips that a knowing alchemist wouldn’t touch. The alchemists were right. Nothing of real value resulted. The answer though always seemed just out of grasp. The next effort might produce it and the financial returns would be worth the effort once success was found.

     Plastic surgery came into existence and again produced only temporary results. Shortly before the navel replaced became dimple in the chin, most gave up hope that this would work. Only the surgeons benefited from the attempt over time.

     Over in the men’s department is has only turned in those directions during recent times. There was no reason for them to do so until television ads and sports statistics came along. Men had procured better testimonial writers and PR specialists. They had convinced the world that men only became more distinguished looking as they grew older. They also discouraged careful examination of what the word ‘distinguished’ means.

     Recently things have been discovered, but never used, that would bring men back the strength of youth that allowed them to accomplish miraculous sport feats. Those are also a boon to the haberdashery business as head size has increased.

     The internet and Photoshop now vie as the penultimate solutions for both men and women. There has been limited, though short lasting, success after success with those. There maybe promise there but some are already questioning that.

      What causes all of these solutions to fall short and eludes almost all who seek new ones is a simple fact. They are looking in the wrong places. Youth exists only where there is hope. When do you feel younger than when in new love, no matter your age? When do you feel older than when all hope vanishes, when all promises have been reneged? Hope is the fountain of youth and those who possess it remain ever young.

      Those who can maintain love as always new will guarantee themselves eternal youth.    

      To prepare for next week’s continuation on this subject your homework is to read the first ten chapters of the Kama Sutra.