Thursday, 23 February 2012

Concise History of the World Chapter 5

Long long ago, even before once upon a time, something horrible happened

Adam and Eve were flouncing around the Garden of Eden. Adam was off watering a tree or something else nasty. Eve waited by the one tree God had instructed them never to eat the fruit thereof. She got an urge, which she later tried to blame on a snake. Folks, snakes don’t talk. She picked the thereof and proceeded to chew on its flesh.

When Adam returned she convinced him to partake likewise or face the possibility that he wasn’t going to partake of something else for a while either. He folded like a camping chair. They spent the rest of the afternoon meal repeating the atrocity, eschewing the saber tooth tiger, the banana, and the hamster which were also featured on the menu.

Then it happened.

God showed up while Adam was off in the woods wiping. He said something like “Where the hell are you Adam, we’ve got a meeting scheduled and happy hour is almost over.”

Adam came out of the forest carrying a fig leaf that was still unused which didn’t please God. He wasn’t particularly disturbed by that except for where Adam was holding it. He noticed Eve doing the same thing. “What the hell have you done now?” he roared as only gods can roar.

Adam meekly but confidently replied “I think … “

God needed to hear no more than the first two words. He knew they had raided the forbidden larder. The world was headed south in a hand basket. So it has continued since. The words “I think” have preceded every bad decision ever made and will continue to do so for eternity.

No sadder words than ‘I think’ have ever been heard by the dodo, the passenger pigeon, or the cat. I realize that cats are not extinct but ‘I think’ they should be. No more ominous words have been applied to mankind than those two in reference to man bags, croc’s and hairdryers for men. Even more glaringly awful is when they are, induced by alcohol, included in any sentence with the words referring to tattoos and body piercing.

But worst of all, they have grown like a malignant cancer into the monster ‘Philosophy’. This, misidentified as a science, has cast the darkest possible shadow over all of life. Aside from starvation, more people and real estate have been obliterated by this than anything else ever devised. That includes black powder, ptomaine salad, and toothpaste.

There is no record of who the first philosopher was. It may have been Adam. Thankfully, he is dead, but it would be nice to have his bones to kick around a bit. Unfortunately he was not one of a kind. Rumor has it, because rumor was the only thing available at the time, that there were philosophers available before there was recorded history. That’s probably a rumor you can believe.

High on the list of evil philosophies was that God put across the land all manner of animals for the purpose that man could hunt, kill, eat, and, in one manner or another mount them. While that is not in itself a bad concept it played poorly into the happenstance that for every philosophy there is an anti-philosophy. This time it resulted in vegetarianism, demonstrated most vulgarly in the addition of cilantro into food.

Even with having been exposed to just these two philosophies, you should be aware that they and their ilk should be avoided at all cost. A life with no philosophy is wondrous thing. It is perfection, beauty and unconsciousness combined in unmatchable achievement. It is to die for.

How the can you avoid them?

The simplest way to identify them in the wild is to always be looking for the words ‘I think’. Follow those tracks and you will inevitably find your quarry. If you cannot sneak up on it and kill it, stay away. Philosophies have an almost uncanny talent for ensnaring those who hunt for them.

Almost assuredly another sign of their presence is seeing any word ending in ‘ism’. About the only two words I can think of that lie beyond the scope of Philosophy and end in those letters are prism and televism. You don’t often see the latter.

Famous among statements of philosophy is oft printed as “I think. Therefore I am.” I find it hard to understand why the last word is almost always omitted. The word ‘evil’ has been unfairly excluded far too often.

Your homework is to go home and search all of your drawers and closets. Any philosophies you find there or scattered elsewhere in your house should be thrown into a hazardous waste bag and taken to where they can be destroyed.

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