Thursday, 16 February 2012

Concise History of the World Chapter 4

     At the request of one of my students, today’s lesson will be about something not related to sex. We are going to examine the evolution of booze.
     Contrary to popular belief, booze has not been around since the beginning of the world. If you paid attention to the first lesson, you’ll realize that one celled life had a lot to learn before they organized to form plant life or partiers. As you all know, there could be no alcoholic beverages until those happened.
      The first simple drinks were not discovered until several weeks after food storage was discovered. That there were a number of deadly pretenders among the possibilities that spontaneously appeared slowed down robust exploration into the world of drinking new things, even after the first alcohol was tasted. Once there were some survivors among the early scientists willing to try new things, the quest for more and better booze began in earnest.
     Every substance on earth was checked out to see if it ‘worked’. Before long rocks, mastodons, and most tree barks were eliminated and there grew a general consensus that only edible living plants were worth the effort of primary and secondary fermentation, decanting and then bottling. Eventually a few inedible plants like cactus, juniper berries, and rhubarb were added to the list.
     As with most new things discovered this fad brought with it the birth of a new breed of experts. Discussion evolved to argument, which escalated to drunken brawls, some still going on today. That at least separated these new phenomena into several categories.
     Grains were first employed to make either grain alcohol or whiskey. When the brew was contaminated by hops and yeast is was beer. Fruits produced wine and brandy. Unsuccessful experiments produced light beer.
      These categories did not just pop out the air because some wordsmith was bored. They were the result of the next invention which necessarily appeared in the wake of alcohol; drinking parties. Some people didn’t like what were soon to be called wine or those destined to be beers. Others grouped as aficionados of the beverages whiskey drinkers eschewed. Until named categories were separated it was risky going to a drinking party. You just never knew what kind of crap was going to be served. Once the distinction was made it was only risky to attend these parties for other reasons.
       Primary among the dangers was that most male attendees had carry permits for clubs. The woman carried battleaxes, which will be a discussion for the future. Suffice it to say the mere presence of these women created situations where the clubs might be wielded. Club laws had to be enacted for the safety of the general population. Those were the first step toward the world peace we enjoy today.
      Things settled down a bit after that and these parties took on other characteristics, particularly in buildings where the roof was supported by a pole. Men began realizing that, at about eleven or twelve o’clock, they became sexier and the women became almost universally gorgeous. That led to the erroneous connection between drinking and sex. Some still contend that begetting began because of booze.
      That is nonsense. There were people before there was booze. That’s all you have to know. Admittedly life became more enjoyable and success in the sack, or at least getting there, became a bit more universal after the invention of the cocktail. Without alcohol many of these forays would not result in one or both particles lapsing into a temporary coma before consummation. This tells us that alcohol actually limits sexual activity rather than encourages it.
      Another serendipitous result of booze was country music. That relies upon drinking bother for lyrics and toleration. Large audiences listen to words reminding them of every sort of misery, impossible dream, and people they’d like to murder. Booze and perhaps lack of opportunity or physical coordination prevents them from acting on the resultant emotions.
      We have seen then the evolution of booze from an unknown entity to where it is currently, a benefit to mankind. Your homework this week is find an excuse for drinking that you can bring home to your wife that she will embrace.

1 comment:

  1. Does this include bringing it home to the husband?