Sunday, 15 January 2012

Fessing Up

Sadly, lack of intelligent planning, by my guests of course, quickly sneered at the opening meeting of the Porter Preservation Project (PPP). Damage assessment is still in process.

Twenty guests were welcomed which was pretty good considering the short notice of the meeting time and date. They were all buried by dawn. The memory of certain occasions should be protected by the elimination of all witnesses. A couple of them hadn’t revealed themselves yet but once the train is started down that track it is pretty difficult to stop it. On the other hand, the quality of society was much improved before the sun rose. Next time I’ll improve it more by inviting lawyers.

The maid was a bit dismayed and needed to call for reinforcements. She had to buy some new cleaning supplies as well. Until then, I thought the bar bill had been pretty high.

Among the damage were my two chia pets. It appears as if they were bashed together and left in a messy heap. Thank God THEY didn’t bleed. Other losses will be more easily replaced.

Though I seldom do, I may have erred in disinviting those with fully developed brains. I figured most half-wits could pull the job off but, in rare instance, I was mistaken. (not wrong … never wrong). Shortfall in that regard resulted from their inability to mature beyond point I did at the same age.

Charlie (last name withheld until his family gives up looking for him) started things off badly with his opening comment. It followed his self-introduction which included an interesting synopis of his rap sheet. “Who the **** are you?” he asked.

I do not tolerate the f-bomb so we had a short conversion in the garage. Mine was from angry to somewhat satisfied (limited by regret that I didn’t have more time to spend with him) while his was from a-hole to corpse. Don’t construe this as a confession because I have no idea how it happened, whatever ‘it’ was.

Things went down hill from there. Most details need to be glossed over, better yet hidden completely, for the protection of someone. The remainder is nothing more than the menu and tapes from the surveillance system monitoring the fish pond. Those I can provide if sent a self addressed stamped envelope and $44.15 for postage and handling. The content is FREE!

Next Wednesday I’ll try again, sort of. Still perhaps too proud of my most recent venture, I’d like to run a couple of more culling sessions before I get down to serious business. This time my guest list will be limited to lawyers with history and psychology undergraduate degrees. Following that I’ll run a conclave (literally) for politicians with law degrees.

I could continue the pattern for some months and open a used car lot for abandoned vehicles as a by-product. I’m afraid the DMV may get curious about the sudden surge in title requests though. Maybe a u-pull-it lot would work better, but they are too ugly to put on my estate. Eschewing those options I’ll probably invite some serious candidates, like the Haggis guy who seems so eager, to the fourth get-together. The vehicles I’m stuck with will probably work as forest landfill or fish havens. I’ll probably keep the dashboard Jesus I saw in one of them. Anybody who is interested in the heavy metal CD’s I’ll probably find can have them for free if they remit $1.00 along with the $44.15 shipping and handling fee for the first one. But that’s not all. I’ll send not one, not two, not three but FOUR additional CD’s for FREE. All you have to do is pay separate shipping and handling fees. The supply is limited to the number of requests I receive so hurry and don’t be the only one in your neighborhood to miss out on this opportunity.

By the way, can anyone recommend a maid service? Mine has notified me that they intend to disassociate with me though they will continue send me a hefty monthly bill for their exercise of discretion. Maybe I could improve the relationship by throwing them a ‘Thank-You’ party.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious! I saw this on AW, and I'm glad I checked it out.